I don't wear pants

Recently I got into a passionate conversation with a male friend. He was surprised when I mentioned being a feminist and told me I couldn't possibly be one. Feeling equally surprised by his disbelief and a little defensive, I asked why he didn't consider me a feminist.

My friend then referenced something I said about a month earlier, "I don't wear pants." (To give you more context to that quote, I almost always wear skirts and dresses as I don't find pants comfortable or flattering.) Testily, I informed him that feminists could dress however they wanted. In response I received a list of ways I don't look like a feminist - my long hair and how I style it, my love for stilettos, the make up I wear, and other ways I embrace my very femme form of self-expression.

I have to admit I was a little shocked. My friend is an educated, thoughtful man. And while I know there is a lot of education that needs to be done in the world, certainly someone like my friend should know by now that feminists aren't all women with short hair, no make up, and Doc Martens. Hadn't he seen the great t-shirts Ms. Magazine sells?

He also mentioned my very Americana dream of wanting a husband and kids and white picket fence and that I am "not exactly an activist". At this point I was truly stunned. Didn't he know how important my identity as a feminist is to me and how much it hurt to hear someone completely discredit it? I also was immediately filled with doubt that maybe I wasn't a "good" feminist, not because I wear dresses and heels, but because I wasn't doing enough to help everyone in my life see me as one. And was I really not an activist? Isn't there just as much merit in the education I try to do as there is in bra burning and marching? (And I participated in a march in April thankyouverymuch. Sorry there were no pictures on Facebook to give me more credibility. #sarcasm) On top of that, why did my dream of wanting a family take precedence in this conversation over my intense drive and dedication to finding success in my career? I've certainly sacrificed more for and spent more time working on the latter dream than on the one he mentioned.

So as you might imagine I had to take a breath and a pause before reminding him that feminism isn't about having a certain lifestyle, but about believing that women are allowed to actively choose their lifestyle. It is true, I will always be a very feminine woman hoping to live somewhat "traditional" dreams, but this should in no way underscore my identity as a feminist any more so than a pair of testicles keeps a man from being a feminist.

I have to admit that after my initial gut reaction, I lost all personal hurt and frustration regarding my friend, and instead felt A LOT of hurt and frustration about the messed up world we live in. Our society's messages are so strong that my smart, compassionate, thoughtful friend denied my primary identity and refused to backdown when I explained the connection I felt to it. And although he might not have understood the implications of what he stood for, I recognized them all to well. "Feminist" is a bad word and a threat to all things male. I am someone he cares about, someone feminine, and someone who does not through just my appearance threaten the traditional masculine paradigm and privilege. Therefore, I could not be a feminist.

We have so much work to do. And this conversation made me remember the work always begins close to home with those we care for the most. So let's change the world. Ready?